How Not to Board a Commuter Train

The 9 o'clock express 4 train was late this morning, so more people were waiting than normal. We Harlemites crammed into the car on 125th st. The train went down to 89th. More people crammed in. The last one in was an Italian tourist in a business suit.

ITALIAN: Can you please make room?

WHOLE DAMN TRAIN CAR: MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!

ITALIAN: Can't you see how little room I have here?

PASSENGERS: MWAHHAHAHAAHAHHAA!!!!!

ITALIAN: I do not understand the low social intelligence of this country...

PASSENGERS: (In between hooting and laughter) You're the dumb mothafucker who got on the train! (More laughter.)

ITALIAN: Come on, people. It is a nice day out!

PASSENGERS: MWAHAHAHAHAHHAA!

If you find a balding European man in a shit-smeared business suit trapped in the heating/air conditioning ducts under the seats on the green line and living off of the traces of crack cocaine stuck to commuters' shoes, please alert the Italian consulate. It is no doubt looking for a missing village idiot or possibly member of parliament.